When I was a teenager, I every now and then I would grow out my hair. I went to a school where most guys used hair-gel everyday and very few grew there hair beyond two or three inches. All of my friends and I were what most would consider clean cut and well dressed. We cared about our appearance no more or no less than anyone else our age. I would always tell people that I got tired of the same hair style and that’s why I grew it out. I also knew that most people thought I would look better if I cut it. Even I kind of did.
Looking back, I think that one of the reasons I kept my hair longer than most was because of how insecure I felt about my appearance as a teenager. It wasn’t that I was overly insecure, this was just how I dealt with those feelings. When something matters so much, like personal appearances did at that age, one thing you can do to reduce potentially hurtful judgment from others is to do something that proves you’re immune to that kind of criticism. People couldn’t criticize my appearance because by growing my hair out it sent the message that my appearance was of little concern to me. Actually, just like everyone else, it was of concern to me, this was just one of the ways I managed those feelings of insecurity.
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I came across a video the other day that made my jaw drop. Then it broke my heart.
This is Stefani Germanotta, a former NYU student, performing two of her totally original songs . You know her now as the famous Lady Gaga. What the hell happened, you’re probably wondering?
Of course I can only speculate but it seems to me that the way in which Germanotta battled her insecurities as a creative musician and a young adult, was to concede to what the pop culture machine wanted to make her into. And now she has lousy songs and a sleazy image attached to her name. To her, she’s probably still that same person she was on stage the night of that NYU talent show. But the world never sees that side of her anymore.
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Everyone at some point in their lives — usually when we’re adolescents or teenagers or young adults — are attracted to the hipster culture (not like in the ’50s sense but behaving like a social critic, sorta). This is when we’re defining ourselves and creating our identity. At this time, we are acutely aware of what we feel is cool and what is cliche. Think about the irony that’s at the core of being a hipster. And at the core of irony, in the context of creating an identity, is loathing.
“I really hate when people label me a bookworm so I’m going to lie and insist I don’t read or study when infact it’s pretty much all I do.”
So how is it that we even begin to loathe something? Well that’s leading into a nature/nurture discussion. Without getting too over the top with all this, I consider loathing to be a cocktail of sorts with different mixtures of fear, ignorance, and anger. During a personal transition period, these feelings are awakened because we’re adjusting the identity we previously created or were in the process of creating. The fact of the matter is, we fear change, we’re ignorant of what’s really ahead, and we’re a little pissed off that we’re loosing some of the stability in our lives. Those are strong feelings and are very difficult to acknowledge, let alone manage. You better believe they can effect our actions in real life. They can make us do bizarre and uncharacteristic things.
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I think we all need to remember that, when we watch young professional athletes. Tyler Myers is 19-years-old. Remember Patrick Kane ? These are young adults that are suddenly put under a tremendous amount of pressure to perform a game based on a great deal of luck and fortune. There is no substitute for experience. They may understand what to expect, but you can’t prepare yourself for the emotions you’re going to feel in the moment and after.
From a fans perspective, there is so much ambiguity in predicting the performance of an athlete that most expectations are often inaccurate. There will be signs, but even those can be misleading. They’re human, after all. And with the high pressure nature of professional sports, insecurities, that everyone has, can be particularly troublesome for all players to overcome, particularly for the younger ones. You always hear coaches tell rookies and young players to keep it simple so mistakes are minimized and to forget about them quickly when they’re made. Who knows though how players are going to react after crisis moments that, by the way, are absolutely inevitable? I think we can all come up with four or five players formerly or currently on the Sabres that had trouble managing their response to crisis, veterans and rookies. Everybody is different. It’s how they respond that matters.
They could do what Stefani Germanotta did and become something that they’re not. Instead of allowing people to judge her for who she really is and risking the possibility of being disliked, criticized or even hated, she wears costumes and sings provocatively about sex because in this society there is a large preexisting group that will accept you with open arms for that.
What’s the best way to overcome and manage these insecurities digging at our emotional bellies during our most vulnerable moments? Granted, I’m not a professional athlete or talented musician but for me, it was learning to not be so fucking hard on myself. Along the same lines, there’s no reason to fear a friend or family member or audience member or fan’s reaction because ultimately their response can never change an action or choice you already made. Just process these things and move forward, assuming your judgment is clear. If that’s the case, trust your instincts but know your limitations too. Then, after reaching a margin, try and expand it through knowledge and by the accumulation of experiences. Actions based on ignorance will lead down dangerous roads. With regards to your flaws, be honest and acknowledge them like you would a stain on a shirt. Just wash it out, don’t be lazy and let the shirt sit in the corner of your bedroom where the stain will soak in. It’s okay , everyone has flaws. Accept and manage them.
The worst thing you can do is cover up and ignore your flaws by becoming someone that you’re not out of fear that once you present your genuine, flawed self, you might make a mistake and, worse, someone might criticize or hate you for it.