Hockey Rhetoric

–Sigh–

What are the Sabres going to do about the God-damn-mother-freaking-Senators?

I know I just wrote a post about ignoring villains. I still feel that way which is why I’m ignoring them right now. If I weren’t ignoring them, I’d be drinking Vodka to suppress all of the bad memories. Why Vodka, well because as Philalawyer so eloquently puts it, “Vodka’s liquid Percocet.” At the time of writing this post, I am not drinking Vodka as it is a weeknight. Not that it being a weeknight has ever really stopped me from drinking before, but I have enough dignity to pretend like it has. I’m actually not drinking Vodka because I’m not technically fixating on the Senators and by extension do not need to suppress bad memories. What I am doing now is trying to contextualize the evilness that is the Ottawa Senators. I’m contextualizing not fixating. Work with me, people.

I have a theory and in order for me to properly outline this theory, I will need to draw upon my vast knowledge of the Harry Potter books. Now I know what you’re thinking: good god dude, you’re a grown-ass man, have a little self-respect.

Whatever, I love the Harry Potter books and I’m not ashamed to say it; don’t judge me. Granted I probably would have never picked one up if they hadn’t first come out when I was in 5th grade, a time where I would have read a brochure on the potential agricultural consequences of the climate pattern El Nino if you put it in front of me, but that’s beside the point. The Harry Potter books are great. As far as story telling goes, it doesn’t get much better than Rowling. I’m being serious. The rest of this entry, however, is written with a modest, if not restrained, spackling of seriousness.

Anyway, it is my contention that the Ottawa Senators are all Death Eaters. In the magic, Harry Potter world, Death Eaters are a group of evil, sociopathic terrorists whose ideologies are cloaked in sci-fi bigotry. Of course the Senators are none of those things as far as I know except for of course evil. But the symmetry is astonishing. Case and point:

• Alfredsson’s has really pale skin. Scandinavian is not an excuse. I’m Scandinavian, part Swedish to be exact and I do not glow in the dark. Nor am I a Death Eater. He is evil and a Death Eater as his pale skin clearly proves.

• Bryan Murray can speak parseltongue which of course is associated with dark, evil magic. I can’t understand what he is saying. Is it coincidence that his tongue is shaped in a way that allows him to communicate with snakes while also giving him trouble with the English/human language or incriminating evidence?

• My sources tell me they saw Cory Clouston muttering the Imperius Curse around the same time that Tim Kennedy mysteriously stopped playing defense, allowing Alfredsson to get wide-open in front of the net in a tied game late in the third period. He wasn’t telling his assistant coaches what he wanted on his post-game hot dog, that’s for sure. For one, the assistant coaches probably already know what he likes on his hot dog and two, the Senators are Death Eaters who know these kinds of evil spells and are evil enough to use them.

• Jarko Ruutu and Chris Neil… does anything more need to be said? Good thing they’re too stupid to know any really damaging, consequential incantations. They’re just stupid, evil, Death Eaters who do evil chores and grunt work.

• Jason Spezza, on the other hand, is clearly a Death Eater based solely on his destructive power. Dude, you’re a strait Death Eater and my sources, who by the way are never wrong, say they heard you hollowing Morsmordre after your second goal. Good thing HSBC Arena is like Hogwarts it that it doesn’t allow for such evilness to manifest physically or there would have been a giant, smoking Death Eater mark hovering above the ice and in the way of everyone’s view. That would have been annoying.

• Speaking of the mark of the Death Eater, the Senators logo is almost indistinguishable from it. I mean, have you seen, the Death Eater’s mark lately? It’s a creepy skull, with a snake coming out of it. The Senators logo is a shadowy, scowling centurion head, that’s known to emit smoky shapes from its mouth during goal celebrations which can certainly resemble evil snakes. The Senators and Death Eaters either know the same graphic designer or they’re one in the same.

This has been a public service announcement. We now return you back to your regularly scheduled programs.